I’m really losing it!!
Something eats me up and I don’t know what to do. I can’t even find the perfect person to tell this.
Yeah God… I know, but I have a strong desire to pour it here.
It’s love! The kind of love I’m seeing everywhere on campus just drives me crazy. Not the crazy-I’m-in-love-cloud-nine kind, I mean the crazy-annoyed-angry-disgusted-irritated kind.
Yeah, that’s how bad I’m feeling.
Hmmmm! You really do relate? Then please, let’s do our kind of love. What do you think?
I’ll call you honeybrunch, my honeybrunch diary 😘.
I’m Sandra, Sandra Akachukwu. Akachukwu means “the hand of God”. It’s an Igbo name though, don’t worry. I’m here to teach you lots of Igbo language.
That surname … It kind of haunts me. I hear names are powerful and I think I believe that. I feel like being God’s hand, dragging people out of this love I told you about, messing up the whole place.
I’m stuck, honeybrunch. I don’t know what to do.
Well, I need to go prepare my dinner before diving into that massive assignment Dr Nicholas gave in class today. I thought I’ve escaped first year bustling, but second year lands with its package. But I’m enjoying everything – studying pharmacy. I hope to do better than I did in first year.
I should have bagged a first class instead of this second class sitting in my result, if not for… For this same LOVE. Love put me in a spinning wheel, and I danced along until…
Let me not bore you with all that today.
But I told you my heart is heavy, right? Yes, I’ve not forgotten. It’s about my friend and roommate, Amara. She’s been crying all day and didn’t even attend classes or fellowship today. The worst part is this – she has refused to talk. Amara is an accounting student and a music minister in Glory House Fellowship.
We’re both Christian home brought-ups. So I don’t even want to give my guess a second thought. Not my Amara! Although I’ve been frowning at that thing she calls love between her and that 300 level popular guy in her faculty. She says he teaches her, but I don’t trust the moves of that boy. I’ve not seen him around her today, and that makes it scarier.
Help me pray, honeybrunch. Let my “thinking” be false.
Bye! See you tomorrow.
Hmmm! I’ve been crying. I can barely see what I’m writing.
I finally got Amara to tell me why she’s been crying.
I don’t feel like writing this, but my heart can’t bear this alone.
That boy finally got Amara to visit his house, in a silly play of being sick and needed her to get drugs. My dear golden heart friend, without even giving me a call, went to do Dr. duties.
You need to see my friend; her blonde skin and feminine form will make you appreciate God’s creation. Absolutely! Natural beauty. And her voice, it drops like morning dew – cool and refreshing.
How will such a rat visit a cat successfully?
That was it. From bring it into the room, to come and sit on no other place but the bed, to his hand getting on her body and his sickness growing wings and flying off.
History almost repeated itself if not for God’s mercy.
That was the case of Amnon, right.
Thank God for the grace to pull off and dash out. Guess Prince didn’t expect she’ll be that brave.
Amara feels one part of her body gave her a resounding slap and pulled off. That’s the reason she’s been crying. I couldn’t help but cry along.
I blame myself. Yes, I should have helped my Amara avoid this unnecessary heartbreak. I knew it. I read play-boy when I look into the eyes of that Prince. I was just so jelly-fish like in spilling the words… telling Amara the plain hard truth.
I’ve not been a good elder sister. Yes, she sees me as an elder sister she doesn’t have. She’s 19 years, while I’m 21.
I’ve been thinking about how I glossed over her relationship with that boy, Prince. I didn’t really hit the point. I just told her to be careful. I felt I don’t have to dive into people’s personal matters, although there was this strong nudge to say more to her.
At times, she tells me how Prince subtly sends in sexual talks during their discussions. I should have spilt the words raw and drawn her out of that pit.
God, please forgive me. Help me. I really what to be Your hand in helping lots of girls whose hearts keep getting shredded in this “love” thing.
I won’t keep quiet again, please. But how do I really get the word out to all of them?
My story will be a great lesson for them. Ohh! I can’t write it today, honeybunch.
Let me go and cheer Amara up and take some time to read my books before sleep starts calling.
I’ll be back with my story tomorrow. I need to RELEASE it.
I had an eventful and stressful day. Pharmacy is an interesting course to study, but that department can pull hairs off your head with assignments.
And yes, Amara’s getting better, although she still curls into her shell like a forgotten child. She’ll be alright. I’m here to help her walk through it by God’s grace.
I promised to tell you my crazy-love-love story, right?
I came on campus with my fresher’s mind and “I’m free” talk. Finally! I’ll get to live my life and mingle the way I want. You know that feeling of wanting to “belong” now… Yes, that was it.
I started making friends and rolling freely – interesting ride. Eagle’s triangle close to pharmacy department is a sweet spot to hang out. The trees make the place cool and beautiful.
I sat there one afternoon, waiting to collect the school guide which should be given to all freshers. You need to see this elongated queue, honeybunch. That was one biting thing about first year. Standing in lines… What we missed was saying the national anthem and pledge.
On this day, I was done! Please, Blessing, I told one of my course mate who was standing behind me, “kindly give me a call when it’s getting to our turn”.
Let me use the time to continue with my sweet novel. A few minutes later, someone walked close and sat on the next seat.
I raised my head to catch who it was and was greeted with the broadest smile. Really?! Which guy smiles with all his teeth at a stranger. Hmmm! I did the polished girl thing, – gave a return smile and faced my book.
Is that “Her Mother’s Hope” by Francine Rivers?
What?! Who told him.
Yes, it is, I replied. Then we kept talking… He knows something about everything. What a smart guy! And did I tell you… he’s tall and light-skinned, with well-built shoulders.
That was it, honeybunch.
We exchanged numbers and the love I dreamed to have started happening. We just kept pushing things forward and forward – more talks, more time together, gifts here and there… from handshake to hello-side-hug to 10 seconds goodbye hug to 15 minutes warm embrace… And more… And my body was reacting – hormones.
What was I even thinking? Oh, honeybunch, don’t smack me for being so lightheaded.
Because the next parts make me sick. He would want to hold me tight… sometimes I’ll quickly pull away, and he just frowns or rather folds his face like a baby that was denied the biscuit he loves so much. He says I don’t love him, and if I do I should express it.
Silly me. I danced along, just to make him happy, and keep him. Did I tell you the other part? He started demanding money from me – #5k, 25k, 70k… I can’t believe myself. I’ll have to lie to my parents just to get money so I can send to my air provider. Yes. That’s what he became to me. It rolled on…
And after a while, it started getting cold. I’ll always call, sometimes he picks and tells me he’s busy… Other times, he doesn’t pick.
I decided to meet him and ask him what went wrong. On my way to his hostel, which was next to mine, I saw him walk out of the gate, arm in arm with a lady.
My heart dropped. I walked up to meet him.
Guess what happened, honeybunch.
He stopped, waited for me to get to them, and introduced the lady as his sweetheart, telling her that this is one of the girls that admire him helplessly, watching me with a smirk.
I felt defeated and disgraced. What was I to say or do? Ok, tell me honeybunch, what would you have done?
I’ve not felt like flogging myself as I did on that day. He called me later, saying I refused to love him the way he wants.
See what I did: I started begging. I tried to explain telling him we can do it in a better way.
What was I thinking?
He told me he’ll think about it.
That was the longest and most boring days of my life. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t talk to God.
I felt dirty. I remembered all the things I subtly did just to please him.
Lying on my mourning bed that evening, I heard a lady’s voice from my neighbour’s television. My mind strayed to what she was saying, and just then, she made this statement: a girl should be so lost in God that a man has to seek God to find her. Really! Is this possible?
hen she went on to throw light on that. I felt this was the answer I needed. How will I be pursuing whatever this love is like a crazy person? I wished other girls will hear something like this. I left like walking from door to door, rehearsing this statement into the ear of every girl.
I prayed. I asked God to forgive me. Lord, I’ll not just live it, I’ll tell my friends.
I just finished making that prayer and dropped my exhausted body on the bed when a call came in.
Goose pimples. I picked. He started throwing his sweet words on me, saying he was sorry.
He needs me back. “Can I come over to your house let’s talk it out.”
Honeybunch, I went dumb. Was this an answer to prayers or a trap – trying to lure me away from the new love I found?
You need to see what I did. This girl…!
Awww! Someone’s at my door.
Please let’s talk tomorrow, ok.
Today was perfectly sweet and perfectly boring.
Yes. It’s students Friday – no classes. So I spent my day all by myself, reading an amazing book.
Sorry for rushing out yesterday. It was my next-door neighbour Eniola that came to check on me. Some people are lovely – coming to know why her neighbour imprisoned herself the whole day. Bless her heart!
Ok. So where did we stop yesterday?
Time was ticking and I wasn’t giving a reply. “Sandra, are you there?” Then something told me to drop the call. I quickly did. I kept muting his calls, and then sent him a message saying I wasn’t interested anymore. Guess his reply: “looser”.
It slapped me. My money, my time, my heart, being flushed down the toilet of love. I felt hurt, but I’ve stamped the decision. No going back!
It’s wasn’t an easy journey, honeybunch. But I got stronger as the days progressed. I went online, searched for books on sexuality, purity, relationship, love – for single ladies – and kept reading. I was determined.
Then I came across a book: When God Writes Your Love Story – that book is rich. I learnt to put the pen of my love story in God’s hands, loving him above anyone, so He can bring the best Love to me. I wish you can read that book, honeybunch.
Another one was, Radiant Purity – Oh, I learn so much from it. How to HEDGE my sexuality vineyard as a young woman to prevent foxes from coming to spoil my vine.
What an intriguing way of explaining these concepts on relationship and sexuality. It made the idea applicable and rewarding.
I’ll love to share these things I keep learning with other young women. If I had these truths in my heart, I would have saved myself from that roller-coaster lorry I called love. I’m sure it will do the same for others.
But how do I reach them; especially Florence my course mate who’s now married to her boyfriend’s house. She even missed all the quizzes we had this week.
I wonder why she sounded sad when I talked with her yesterday. She even quickly dropped the call when the door opened. Yes honeybunch, I heard it from the background.
This whole thing keeps driving me crazy. She said she’ll be back tomorrow.
I’ve been praying for her. Dear God, please save her from this lifestyle. I’m afraid for her… I need to talk sense into her. She needs to be free ooo
I can’t imagine!
Some days could just throw you into the sky.
Oh, the dancing in my heart right now.
I discussed with Florence.
Ok… First, she told me part of what’s been going on with her. I didn’t even want to hear the whole gist. My ears… Ooo
But it’s bad. This guy beats her up, tells her to cook for him, locks her up and walks away from the house. I need to deal with this guy. He needs a slap that will send him down to his village.
He’s not my concern at the moment. It’s my dear friend and coursemate – sweet, brilliant lady. But she’s so in love.
How do I help her? I know the craziness of being foolishly, hopelessly and helplessly in love.
But you remember what I said to myself after Amara’s case? I know you do. Smart honeybunch!
I’ll rather lovingly say the truth and be hated (if so), than silence the truth, and watch my friends drink hated from love. No.
“Florence, you see…” I started sharing with her all I’ve been learning. From the Bible, books, blogs, podcasts, etc. She’ll throw one defensive statement, and I’ll quietly throw in something to catch it. Gradually, it sank in.
It took hours. But I’m sooooo glad she gathered the nerves to do the needful: called that guy and told him GOODBYE.
It’s not going to be easy recovering, I know. But we prayed together. God’s grace will pull her through. I’ll always be there for her too.
Honeybunch, I feel so fulfilled.
I wish this happens every day, but how can I do it? Should I draw up a list of different girls experiencing thus kind of dour life, and start ranting into their ears my discovered love philosophy?
Oh, mine! I really need help. What do you think honeybunch?
Who will tell me what to do?
It’s past 4pm already. Fellowship time!
We’ll talk more tomorrow, ok. I need to go and pray about all these matters…
Yesterday’s fellowship was awesome.
And see how God answered my prayers: I talked to my pastor’s wife – she’s my mentor – and she told me to write it.
Well, she recommended some books, and I rushed off to buy them. One of the books stood out. What caught me was the title: The Release. The name spelt what I wanted to experience – RELEASE. I want to release this message I carry.
So, I started reading and just couldn’t put it down. And the author relates so well with me… Had the same struggles with sharing her message, but broke out and released it through her blog and books.
I quickly went to check them out and gbam – a breath of fresh air after reading some of her writings. And she’s the author of that “Radiant Purity” Book I read. I told you about it, right?
I need to learn from her how she got to do all that. I sat and skimmed through this book at once – so thrilling that I couldn’t put it down. Contains actionable tips that will help me share my message in a way that will not just inform people, but transform them.
It’s amazing… She says anyone can write. Really?! Even a C English student like me. I needed a private teacher for English while in high school. She taught me to scribble my thoughts every day so that I can get better.
Here you are, serving a double purpose, honeybunch.
But to write things for people to see and read… Can I do that? She makes it look like something everyone can learn and do.
And I get her point: everyone has an idea, message or story that someone can learn from. Writing it makes it travel farther than where we can go.
Yes, I’ve learnt so much from the Bible, as well as books and articles on “love” matters I read. But can mine make such an impact?
Ah, Sandra… Stop doubting yourself. Are you a twin sister to Thomas? God will help you, this girl.
There’s a part that struck me – she talked about Transformative Writing. I’ve not heard it described so much this way, and what she shared sank into my head and remained there.
I’ve been meditating on it all day. Oh well, let me go and keep my head down so I can get up with a refreshed mind to dissect this book.
More about it tomorrow…
Oh, I’ve been working on lots of class projects. Thank God for His strength and wisdom. I’ll submit them today and breathe in.
But yes, I took some time to read part of that book.
I caught something sticky from it.
“You write in other to change the world, knowing perfectly well that you probably can’t, but also knowing that literature is indispensable to the world… The world changes according to the way people see it, and if you alter, even by a millimeter, the way people look at reality, you can change it”. (James Baldwin)
This quote killed it.
You know, that’s true honeybunch. I was caught up in that crazy love because I viewed it as the perfect picture… The perfect thing that will give me joy and satisfaction. But when I read all these awesome materials, my mind was stretched to other “views”, and I saw I was a big joke. Not just that, I found out the action plan for a more satisfying love life.
That’s Transformation, honeybunch. I’m gradually getting the gist even though I’ve not deeply read this book ooo.
The way she pieces how to make your ideas transformative as you write them … Ohh… I’ll have to come back and pick the steps one after the other.
I love this idea. Because come to think of it, information dances around the streets without number, yet people keep running in the same ignorant direction. We need words that will stop them in their wild tracks and show them how to take the right turn, and even compel them to do so. Human beings are “I do it my way” kind of people, you know. You need to expand their mind eyes for them to take action.
I see the point. That was what made those books I mentioned to have transformed my life possess that power. Something unique stands them out in the heart and souls of a good number of people that read them. Hmmm! This makes sense. Transformational writing – you’ve got to sink into my soul.
All these mind-blowing points to apply. Although I’m a bad writer, I’m sure this will inject the transformative writing spirit into my bones.
Oh, honeybunch, you need to see this book. You’ll love to, right?
Ok… Tomorrow! I’ll bring it along.